Emotional Imperative
by fembuck
Summary: It may not be smart and it may not be safe, but Nikita's head hasn't been in charge when it comes to Alex for a while and her heart won't let her stay away.  Story takes place after episode 1.15 "Alexandra". Nikita/Alex, femslash


**Title:** Emotional Imperative

**Author:** Janine

**Fandom:** Nikita

**Pairing:** Nikita/Alex

**Rating:** NC-17

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them.

**Summary:** It may not be smart and it may not be safe, but Nikita's head hasn't been in charge when it comes to Alex for a while and her heart won't let her stay away. Story takes place after episode 1.15 "Alexandra".

xxx

Nikita's eyes held Alex's unblinkingly as she gently brushed Alex's cheek with her fingers. They were in Alex's apartment, lying in Alex's bed. It was dangerous for Nikita to be there, especially so soon after Alex had just returned, but neither of them mentioned it because the danger didn't matter.

Nikita needed to be there with Alex. She needed to see her, and smell her, and touch her, and kiss her. She needed to look into Alex's eyes and see that what had happened with Vlad and the days she had spent with Division afterwards hadn't irreparable damaged her. And Alex's emotional imperative to be with Nikita was just as powerful. She needed to feel Nikita's arms around her, holding her tightly. She needed to hear the familiar and soothing sound of Nikita's voice, the voice that had led her from the dark into the light and breathed new life into her. She needed to feel safe, she needed to be able relax her guard and breathe easily without fear that sighing too loudly would give her away. She needed to feel protected – even if the feeling only lasted for as long as she was in Nikita's arms.

"I'm so sorry," Nikita breathed out, speaking for the first time in minutes as her thumb stroked the corner of Alex's mouth. "I tried to get to you alone, but he found me ... and with Michael there ..." she trailed off, dropping her eyes from Alex's too ashamed by her failure to hold Alex's eyes.

"You took on the Russian mob to save me," Alex whispered, reaching up to cover Nikita's hand with her own. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she continued earnestly before sighing softly and closing her eyes. "I'm sorry for putting you in danger. I shouldn't have lied to you about Irina recognizing me. I just ... seeing her again," Alex continued opening watery eyes to gaze at Nikita, "it reminded me of my life before you and ... I wanted to help her. I wanted to save her," she went on, rolling her eyes at her own stupidity as the words came out of her mouth. "It was dumb."

"No, it was human," Nikita replied, her voice soft but fierce. "Caring is not a bad thing. Your desire to help, to ease suffering when you see it, is nothing to be ashamed of. Just," Nikita exhaled loudly through her nostrils and then breathed in deeply again before continuing. "You aren't alone, Alex. I'm here for you, always. We both know that I _would_ have tried to talk you out of this, but if I'd failed to convince you, I _would_ have helped you. I'll always help you, baby girl. Always," Nikita swore, cupping Alex's face firmly in her hand before she drew her thumb slowly across her cheek.

They gazed at each other for a few seconds after Nikita finished speaking and then Alex shifted on the mattress, moving closer to Nikita until her lips were pressed against the older woman's. She lifted her own hand to cradle Nikita's face, and as Nikita's mouth opened to her, the tears Alex had been fighting all evening began to slip from her eyes. She felt Nikita tense with concern as her tears ran into their kiss, but Alex did not stop. She drew Nikita closer to her and continued to kiss her deeply, with passionate abandon, until Nikita relaxed and began to lightly run her hands over Alex's body.

"Please," Alex panted breathlessly a few minutes later, her breath warming Nikita's kiss swollen lips. "Touch me."

Nikita's dark eyes moved quickly, scanning Alex's face, studying her carefully before she arched up and captured Alex's lips again as she slipped her fingers under Alex's shirt. Alex met her lips eagerly, returning the kiss passionately as she pressed herself into Nikita's hands, offering her body up to the older woman. Nikita moaned softly, Alex's impatience for her touch resonating powerfully between her legs, and she drew her hands up Alex's torso to the girl's perfectly sized breasts where she ran her thumb across the hard tip of Alex's nipple. Alex groaned into her mouth at the touch and when Nikita repeated it the girl whimpered and rolled her hips into Nikita's body.

Seconds later Alex's hand suddenly lifted and her fingers curled around Nikita's wrist.

"Too fast?" Nikita asked softly.

Alex shivered and breathed out deeply through her nose before shaking her head.

"Too slow," she husked, trembling again as she used the hold she had on Nikita to draw the older woman's hand away from her breast, down her torso. "I need you now," she whispered, voice hitching in anticipation of pleasure as she directed Nikita's hand into the sleep shorts she was wearing.

Nikita drew in a sharp breath as her fingers encountered the slick arousal between Alex's legs. She was much wetter than Nikita had anticipated. She usually had to work harder to prepare Alex for her. Usually Alex needed foreplay. She needed Nikita's hands skimming over her body caressing and grasping at her. She needed Nikita's mouth on her, kissing her lips and neck. She needed Nikita sucking and licking her breasts while her fingers ran through Nikita's hair and over her muscled back. Alex needed to feel cherished and loved before she could sigh, arch into Nikita's hands and spread her legs.

"Please," Alex groaned. Nikita's fingers had been gently exploring between her legs, stroking the length of her leisurely, gathering moisture for light touches to her clit, and the pleasure was exquisite, but Alex needed more. "Go inside," she panted, needful and anxious.

Nikita immediately complied, easily slipping her middle finger into Alex's pulsing, velvety passage and Alex's eyes squeezed shut as she cried out softly. Nikita's lips returned to her skin, kissing and licking and nipping as thrust into Alex with her finger and Alex lay with her eyes closed and her head tilted back, deliciating in the exquisite feeling of Nikita inside of her.

"Nikita," Alex choked out, fingers tangling in Nikita's long, silky hair as Nikita kissed her chest.

Her name falling breathlessly from Alex's lips sent a shiver of delight through Nikita's body. Her eyes closed for a moment, savouring the sensation, and then she lifted her head to meet Alex's eyes.

"More," Alex whispered.

Nikita's lips parted as she withdrew her finger from Alex and then pushed into her again with two, a ragged breath of air escaping from her lungs when Alex's eyes fluttered closed again and her hips arched, driving Nikita's fingers deeper inside of her.

Alex's eyes fluttered open a minute later, and as she gazed up at Nikita her lips parted. However, before she could speak, Nikita slipped a third finger inside of her and Alex sighed happily, allowing her eyes to slide shut again as Nikita's fingers went to work inside of her.

Nikita leaned down, touching her lips to Alex's skin once more. She dusted kisses across Alex's collarbone, over her shoulders and against her neck as she worked her fingers in and out of Alex. The trail of kisses she forged across Alex's skin eventually led Nikita to Alex's lips, which she captured in a slow, deep kiss. Alex moaned into her mouth, and her hands clutched at Nikita's skin, blunted nails scraping urgently across pale flesh until Alex's hips arched and stiffened, orgasm washing over her as she cried out her pleasure into Nikita's mouth.

When her body settled against the mattress again, tears were leaking from Alex's eyes and Nikita kissed her cheeks gently, cleaning away the tears as her fingers moved more slowly between Alex's legs, tenderly bringing her down, before Nikita carefully slipped her fingers out of the younger woman. She then brought her hand to Alex's hip, encouraging Alex to lean into her.

Alex's body was still lethargic and weak in the wake of her climax, but she gladly curled herself around Nikita's body, snuggling into her as Nikita's fingers began to stroke her back.

"Hey," Nikita breathed out a few minutes later, brushing some damp strands of dark hair off of Alex's forehead.

Short as the statement was, it managed to convey Nikita's love and concern and Alex lifted her head from where it had been resting on Nikita's chest so that she could see her lover's face.

"I'm okay," Alex said softly, "Really," she added when Nikita continued to look worried. "I just ... needed that," she revealed looking away from Nikita shyly. "I needed to feel ..." she trailed off uncertain how to finish the sentence, uncertain what it was exactly that she had needed, knowing only that the answer had laid in Nikita's touch and that she had gotten it.

Nikita did not need Alex to finish the sentence to understand the emotion behind her words however. Keeping her cover in Division was difficult, but doing it while going through withdrawal was a Herculean task and Nikita could only imagine the stress Alex had been under over the past five days, having to detox while constantly being watched and interrogated by Amanda. It was no wonder Alex had been desperate to let go and relax. It was no wonder she had wanted to place herself in Nikita's hands and lose herself in feeling after she had been forced to keep herself ruthlessly focused and under control for nearly a week.

"How _was_ Amanda?" Nikita asked, still stroking Alex's back soothingly.

"Amanda," Alex muttered dryly, making Nikita smile. "Icy, focused, mercilessly determined," Alex continued, and the smiled faded from Nikita's lips as she listened. "I didn't tell her anything, but ..." Alex sighed deeply and tightened her hold on Nikita. "It took everything I had to control my verbal responses. I don't know what I was subconsciously projecting. I don't know what she saw on my face or heard in my voice while she was questioning me. I don't know what she was able to read from the things I didn't say."

Nikita nodded and then tilted her head down to press a kiss to Alex's forehead. Amanda was sharp. She had a keen, calculating mind. In fact, she had the keenest most calculating mind Nikita had come across while she worked for Division. But Alex was sharp too. She'd had no formal education since she was thirteen years old and had spent years under the influence of any intoxicant she could get her hands on, yet Alex learned and processed information more quickly than anyone Nikita had ever met. Alex was incredibly resourceful, and she had a remarkable ability to improvise and strategize in stressful and dangerous situations. Vlad had locked her up in a cage and shot her full of heroin and Alex had still managed to evade his questions, out-manoeuvre him, and kill him. Alex was good, very good, and even in her weakened state Nikita was confident that she had put up a good defence.

"Amanda isn't infallible," Nikita said as Alex relaxed into her embrace again. "She may be immaculate, but she isn't omnipotent. If she picked up on anything at all, whatever she thinks she saw behind your eyes, or thinks she picked up on in your tone is nothing but conjecture until she can prove it. Percy deals in facts not speculation. We'll keep an eye on Amanda, and if she does suspect something we'll figure out a way to remove her suspicions together."

Alex pressed her lips to Nikita's neck. She knew that Amanda was potentially a big problem for them, but Amanda was a problem that they could do nothing about at the moment, so Nikita sought to protect her by downplaying how potentially serious a threat Amanda posed. It wasn't necessary, Alex's whole life had consisted of dealing with problematic facts, but she didn't mind Nikita attempting to reassure her. She had spent a lot of time looking out for herself, she had spent a lot of time on her own, and it comforted her to know that she was not alone now, that someone in the world cared about her. Necessary or not, it warmed Alex to know that Nikita loved her enough to want to protect her.

"Together," Alex repeated softly, latching onto the one thing in Nikita's statement that she knew to be absolutely true.

"Together," Nikita swore.

Alex placed her hand firmly on the mattress and then used her arm to brace her weight so that she could lean down and kiss Nikita properly.

"Are you hungry?" Nikita asked when the kiss broke.

Alex looked down at Nikita speculatively, and then bit down on her bottom lip before nodding as she stared down at Nikita coquettishly.

"I was literally talking about food," Nikita responded soberly, though she didn't fight the slow smile that came to her lips as Alex gazed down at her, chewing on her bottom lip thoughtfully.

The moment Nikita had gotten a clear look at Alex she had been able to tell that she had lost weight while sequestered away at Division. She knew from the first time she'd seen Alex through her withdrawal that it was difficult to keep anything down, and even when the worst of the symptoms had dissipated, Alex had still been repulsed by the sight of food and Nikita had been forced to keep her on an I.V. drip. Division and Amanda would have kept her hydrated and fuelled during the earliest part of the detox so that Alex would stay conscious and could answer questions, but they would not have supported her conscious refusal to eat by giving her an I.V. drip as Nikita had done. It had probably been a day or two since Alex's body had been properly fuelled and she needed to get some food into her.

"And I deliberately misconstrued your meaning because I want to see you naked," Alex drawled, moving to straddle Nikita as she looked down at her with a familiar intensity that never failed to Nikita throb. "I need you more than food right now," Alex breathed out roughly, running her hands up Nikita's torso until her fingers were brushing across the side of Nikita's small, perfect breast. "You can feed me once I've made you come," Alex whispered, squeezing Nikita's breast in her hand, using her thumb to stimulate Nikita's nipple until Alex could feel it deliciously poking her palm. She then she took the stiff nub between her pinched until Nikita groaned and her hips bucked.

Nikita exhaled raggedly and nodded her head.

"You drive a hard bargain," Nikita rasped, lips twitching slightly as she gazed up at Alex, breathing in sharply through her nose as Alex continued to play with nipple.

"Not yet," Alex sighed, "but I will later," she continued bucking her hips into Nikita suggestively.

Nikita's eyes fluttered shut as she felt Alex's hips thrust against her and she moaned softly before opening her eyes again to find Alex staring at her hungrily. Nikita's lips curved up slightly as she met Alex's gaze, and then she pointedly reached behind her and grasped two of the metal poles that made up Alex's headboard, bracing for impact.

"You think you're joking," Alex whispered as she leaned down, "but you're going to need to hold on," she exhaled hotly against Nikita's lips before she captured them with her own, drawing Nikita into a passionate kiss.

"That's some mighty big talk for a baby bear," Nikita whispered playfully against Alex's lips a minute later.

"Baby," Alex drawled, trailing a possessive finger down Nikita's cheek. "I'm no baby," she continued, drawing her finger down Nikita's neck and then between the valley of her breasts, her lips tugging at the corners a second later when her touch caused Nikita to breathe in deeply. "And you're not going to be so smug in a few minutes," Alex finished, just spotting the upturn of Nikita's lips before she leaned down and found a far more pleasurable use for Nikita's mouth than conversation.

The End


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